When someone hurts you, there is really one classic reaction: getting angry. Once you are angry, though, you can express that energy in very different ways. Some people yell. Others need to burn it off by breaking glasses, going for a run, or cleaning the house. Those reactions are usually easy to see and understand. People often know instinctively how to calm the situation, and things return to normal fairly quickly.

But there is another reaction that is much harder to spot and control: resentment.

What is resentment?

Resentment is a silent, passive form of anger that still sits heavy in the chest toward someone who hurt us. It is hard to get past because it digs into you both physically and psychologically. Resentment goes beyond what is reasonable or logical.

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The problem with holding resentment

Carrying a little resentment here and there is not necessarily abnormal or even a big problem. The issue is that sometimes resentment can take over your life.
Holding on to resentment can become a repeating cycle, and once you are pulled into it, finding a way out can be hard.
People often get stuck in that cycle because they expected something from someone and that expectation was not met.
For example, you may feel that someone harmed you in some way. Say the person has tried to apologize or has taken some responsibility, but you do not think it is acceptable or enough. When that happens, resentment can deepen and people can dig in further into bitterness toward the person who did wrong.
Of course, the angrier and more bitter you are with someone, the harder it becomes to resolve anything between you. Resentment can easily turn into an endless loop of blame and rage, so it matters to work toward resolution, either inside yourself or with the other person.

How does resentment affect our mental health?

Holding resentment can hurt the person who feels it as much as the person it is aimed at.
Holding a grudge means you are living with a near-constant sense of anger, even if it stays under the surface. You may not think about the resentment every hour of the day, but that kind of bitterness can seep into every part of your life. It can become easy to start seeing everyone you meet as someone who might hurt you.
There are psychological conditions that can grow out of excessive resentment. When you are stuck in a resentment cycle, anxiety, elevated stress, or depression are common outcomes that can show up.

Ways to face someone who holds resentment against you

As you can see, feeling resentment toward someone is neither simple nor healthy. So if someone resents you, what should you do? There is little formal research on this exact problem, but many people have shared their experiences and those stories help form practical ideas for handling a situation where someone is holding a grudge against you.

1. Confront the issue

You usually know when someone resents you. They change. They talk less. They avoid you. They will not meet your eyes. They stop inviting you to events they used to include you in. They do not answer messages or calls. There are many signs. The first step is to address it.

If you know you did something wrong, apologize. It is your responsibility to take the first step when you made the mistake. If you do not know what you did, ask. If you do not believe you did anything wrong but they do, then apologize for doing something that upset them and work toward a solution or compromise. Once you apologize, you are no longer responsible for how they choose to feel. You have done your part.

2. Ask for help

Ask mutual friends or family what is going on. The person may have talked to them and left enough information for you to understand where the resentment really comes from and how to fix the problem.

3. Deeper issues

Always keep in mind that people who hold resentment are sometimes at war with themselves or with their past. It is not always only about you. To them, you may look like an abusive person from their past, a sibling, or a parent, depending on the case. They may be feeling emotions from any origin, triggered by an incident with you. Be patient.

4. Give them some space

Sometimes it is better to let them spend time alone. In most cases, people who hold resentment will eventually come forward and need someone to talk to. A little silence can help them gather their thoughts and calm their nerves. Resentment does not always last long, and sometimes the angry person will act as if nothing happened once they are left with their own thoughts.

5. Move on

If none of this works and the person refuses any repair, you have to keep living your life. In rare cases, friendships end in resentment. There is nothing more you can do then, so learn how to move forward.

No, it is not easy to deal with an angry person, but it is still a blessing compared with those who make a habit of holding resentment. Unfortunately, that is the only way some people can handle problems: by pushing others away until they get what they want. They may be deeply marked by past events or even project old feelings onto new people. Whatever the case, it is up to you to protect your own sanity. If you cannot fix it, you may have to step away.

Always remember: there is a healthy way to be angry, and this is not it. Spread love instead.