Don't Be Ashamed to Ask for Help

Asking for help can be hard. You might fear someone will laugh at you for looking incompetent, or you simply refuse to admit you cannot handle everything yet. It can also feel embarrassing, especially when everyone else seems to have it all under control and their lives figured out.

One of the biggest misconceptions about Stoicism is that it is about creating invincible, untouchable superheroes. That it turns you into “an island”: a completely solitary person sitting in perfect joy under a tree somewhere. That is the wrong way to think about it. Stoicism was created and practiced by ordinary people who had to interact with others and rely on them. Even Marcus Aurelius, a man who literally ruled the world, said:

“Do not be ashamed of needing help. You have a duty to fulfill like a soldier on the battle wall. So what if you are wounded and cannot climb up without another soldier’s help?”

Asking for help is an art you should never feel ashamed of

For many years I tried to reach a level of success through my work as an entrepreneur that I simply could not attain. For every step forward I took, a setback pushed me two steps back. It was frustrating, and more times than I can count I wanted to quit. I made several mistakes early on, but none of them were about my businesses. They were about my mindset, my ego, my fears, and my perception of success.

1. Admitting you need help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

It is easy to tell yourself things like “I should be able to handle this on my own” or “I am an idiot for falling so far behind,” but those thoughts will not help you. In fact, they only hold you back, distract you, and hurt your performance even more. You start feeling inadequate and your focus turns negative. And as you know: energy flows where focus goes.

Recognizing your flaws instead of masking them is a sign of strength, not weakness. After all, you cannot change what you refuse to accept.

2. Getting help can save you a lot of time and trouble.

To protect your pride it can be tempting to try doing everything alone, but your refusal to ask for help can create massive unnecessary frustration. Not to mention you can waste a huge amount of time trying to figure things out by yourself.

In many cases early intervention is best. It is far easier to get help the first moment you feel you cannot do it alone than months or years later when your motivation, passion, and commitment are slowly fading. It is also much easier to fix a problem you have only slightly messed up than to try repairing it after you have caused serious damage.

3. By seeking help you give others the chance to serve you.

Some people fear that asking for help will bother someone else, so instead of asking a neighbor to help move a heavy piece of furniture or asking a friend for a bit of emotional support, they suffer in silence out of fear of being judged.

But studies show that asking someone for a favor is more likely to make them like you more. Benjamin Franklin is said to have deliberately asked people for favors just to win their affection, and research since then has confirmed that asking for help can make you more likable.

4. You are not the only one struggling with dreams or goals.

If you feel overwhelmed at the office or completely lost in a class, it is easy to convince yourself that you are the only one having a hard time.

But there is a good chance that if you are struggling, someone else is too. They may not be brave enough to admit it. If you find the courage to speak up first, someone else may feel more comfortable stepping forward and admitting their own struggle.

5. Asking for help can make you more comfortable with yourself.

Refusing to ask for help is a short-term fix that creates long-term problems. While it may spare you a minute of embarrassment, avoiding help can create even more embarrassment later.

Asking for help is a powerful experiment: it challenges the negative assumptions you hold about yourself and shows you how others actually respond to your requests. The more often you do it, the more confidence you build in your ability to handle a little shame or discomfort.

Always remember one simple fact: there is not a single person in the world who has achieved success without help. Even in the most extreme cases like Bill Gates, Kim Kardashian, Mark Zuckerberg, Donald J. Trump, Emmanuel Macron, Michael Jordan, Robert Downey Jr., Oprah and so on, none of them accomplished what they did entirely on their own. There is a misleading term in the business world: “Self-made Billionaires.” Forbes keeps a list of people they consider self-made, but in reality none of the people on that list truly did it without help.

Bill Gates had his mother at the table with IBM (the deal that made him the richest man in the world),
Kim Kardashian used her connections in music and fashion while working as an assistant and learning from people who were already successful,
Zuckerberg literally received 100% of the capital from outside investors (Facebook would not exist without them no matter how much potential the project had),
Trump inherited money from the family fortune, and so on.

Every fortune was built thanks to people who supported them. Jeff Bezos once said:

Sure, I managed to generate more than 100 billion dollars with Amazon, but that means I generated more than 900 billion for the people who believed and still believe in me.

That statement shows that even the richest man in the world never would have achieved what he did without the help of an incredible number of people.

A simple exercise for growth

If asking for help is something you fear doing, there is an alternative. It is a way of asking for help without directly asking. I did not used to think of it that way before reflecting on this article, but it is extremely useful and can truly be considered a form of asking for help.

Every week for more than five years I have made a point of meeting at least one new successful person, someone I did not know before who has already achieved certain goals I am pursuing in their own career. We usually sit down for coffee. I introduce myself, explain why I wanted to meet them, describe how these conversations typically go, and then I let my guest begin with their own story.

What are the goals of this exercise?

1. I am always interested in meeting new people with whom I could potentially build a friendship and, why not, a business relationship.

2. I want to understand where they come from, what they have suffered, achieved, and failed at, and what the thinking process was that allowed them to overcome those challenges.

3. I look to see whether they have lived through and solved problems I am currently facing. That shows me I am not the only one with this problem and how to solve it.

4. It helps me understand certain outside topics better. For example, I have learned a great deal about the business and laws of copyrights, transportation logistics, and the real estate business through conversations like these.

5. It creates interest from someone at a higher level, an emotional connection that lets the conversation continue so I can keep learning from them over the years. It can turn into a mentorship without ever being officially labeled as one.

This approach has allowed me to meet more than 350 entrepreneurs, athletes, politicians, and artists from around the world since 2016. It has delivered incredible results for my businesses as well as on emotional, spiritual, and psychological levels. Asking for help is the best tool for growth and success.

You should NEVER think you can only do it alone.

You should NEVER refuse to ask for help.

You should NEVER let your ego take control of your life and your projects.

You should NEVER fall into the same trap that catches everyone who lets their dreams die.