The Secrets of a Lasting Marriage

This year I marked 7 years of marriage and 8 years together with my wife. I had never been with anyone for that long. If someone had told me at 20 that I would have a relationship like this before 30, I never would have believed it. So I started reflecting on those 8 years with my wife. Why has it worked despite the problems we have faced? Why do I feel more in love now while everyone says the fire slowly dies out? Why have we lasted this long even though we met so young?

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1- Do not confuse passion with love

Before I met Natalia I was with other women: a few months, a year, a few weeks. Many of them were 16, 20, 30 and already thinking about marriage and long-term plans without really understanding that they were not in love. What they actually felt was passion. The difference between the two is fundamental if you want a relationship that lasts and lasts in a healthy way.

Does your heart skip a beat when you see your partner coming toward you? That is wonderful, but that intensely romantic feeling will not stay exactly the same over the years. In a good marriage it is replaced by something deeper and more solid, like a tree that grows long roots after a burst of flowers. You know you can count on your spouse to be there when you need them, that they understand you better than anyone, and that they will help you chase your biggest dreams.

In a way, that feeling of solidity and trust is the opposite of wild passion, because wild passion always carries uncertainty at its core. It is not that you will never feel wild love for your partner again; on the contrary. But it becomes more grounded and more logical.

2- Learn how to fight

Couples who fight a lot, almost constantly, have a serious problem. But couples who never fight at all may be in even greater danger. You are human, your spouse is human, and there will be times when you disagree. There will also be times when one of you feels hurt by the other.

So it is important that you fight, but it is also important how you fight. Even in the middle of a shouting match, when you feel furious, will you hold back from saying things that could damage the relationship or your partner’s self-esteem? As psychologist John Gottman points out, you can predict whether a couple will divorce based on how they fight. So learn to fight fairly and in a way that does not leave lasting wounds.

3- Respect and communication

Couples can disagree about many things, but the real problem starts when one stops respecting the other. One study showed that couples who had been together 10 to 15 years tended to emphasize the importance of communication, while those who had been together 20 years or more (sometimes much more) emphasized respect. The conclusion was that long-term couples know communication will break down at some point, and that after decades together you have almost said everything there is to say, so communication stops being the top priority.

4- Make time for each other

Life fills up very quickly with jobs and kids, especially if you are starting a business. So you may have to be deliberate about making time to be with your spouse and do fun things together. Have a date night, plan the occasional weekend getaway, take vacations together. If you lived in different houses instead of cohabiting, you would carefully plan your time together, and just because you are married does not mean you can skip this step. Your relationship needs these booster shots to stay healthy.

5- Do not settle

The butterflies-in-the-stomach kind of love will not last forever, of course. Still, do not let yourself slide into routine and take your partner for granted day after day.

6- Put your partner before your kids

When kids arrive it is easy to get caught in “midlife boredom” or that phase of life when career and children take all your attention. Do not wake up at 50 asking, “Where did my life go?” Invest time in your partner now. Happy couples know that keeping an intimate relationship benefits you, your relationship, and your kids. It does not mean neglecting the children. It means knowing how to make time for your partner and truly giving them the time, care, and love they deserve.

7- Do not fight when you are hungry

I learned this recently. Do not say anything if you are angry while you are hungry. Chances are, once you finish eating you will feel calmer and can talk with your partner without yelling or getting upset. It seems simple, but it makes a huge difference in your marriage.

8- Stay flexible with change

As time passes, situations change. Successful couples are willing to adapt when obstacles, both small and large, appear along the way. When I remember who I was when I met my wife and look at who I am today, there is no comparison. I have changed a lot. I was with her for about three and a half years before I saw my family again, and they did not recognize me when we went to visit them. That is not a bad thing. If your partner is the right one, they will help you grow in the best possible direction.

9- Take care of yourself

Focusing on your partner does not mean neglecting your own needs. People in strong marriages tend to stay fit and well-groomed, recognizing that well-being matters for both themselves and the relationship. If you do not feel good in your own skin, your clothes, your appearance, or your life, you will not be able to be the ideal partner for your spouse.

10- Have sex

Sex is another thing you need to make time for. Spontaneous sex can feel natural or romantic, but often it is just a quick session right after you wake up or before you head out for the night.

You put planning and thought into most of the important things in your life, and sex deserves the same. With a little planning you can set the perfect scene for sex and give each other all the time you need and deserve.

BONUS: If you are an entrepreneur and your partner is part of your professional and/or public life, ask yourself this question: Is my partner an asset or a risk?