How to Stop Wanting to Control Everything

Most people appreciate the benefits of an efficient routine and like it when things go according to plan. But some of us get highly stressed and angry when life takes an unexpected turn, whether that is an accident on the way to work or something as small as the kids leaving a huge mess in the kitchen.

Yes, some of us are “control freaks” who hold rigid standards and do not adapt well to change.

What is a control “monster”?

Here are some signs you might be a control freak or control “monster”:

• You want things to be predictable and stick to a routine.
• You feel anxious, stressed, and upset when things do not go the way you want or expect.
• You are highly organized and love systems.
• You are a perfectionist.
• You want things done in a specific way.
• You get stuck in all-or-nothing thinking; you only see one right way to do something or one path to success.
• You catastrophize or imagine the worst will happen if things do not go as you want or expect.
• You hold extremely high standards for yourself and others.
• You can be demanding and critical.
• You prefer to do it yourself rather than delegate.
• People often disappoint you.
• You give unsolicited advice because you believe you know what others should do.
• You have trouble relaxing.
• You hate change.

Certainly, some of these traits and behaviors can be useful at times. But if you control too much, this kind of behavior will create more problems than it solves.

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Risks of Being Controlling

It can seriously damage your relationships

Think about it: when you try to control every situation, even if that is not your intention, others start to worry that you do not trust them. They also get tired of following your lead. You may notice friends and family beginning to pull away, growing irritated or exasperated. Or maybe they simply gave up and accepted that you are the one in charge. That is not really fair to them, and over time they may end up resenting you for it.

It can cause emotional, mental, and physical stress

And most of the time, it is completely unnecessary! When we constantly feel we have to control the world around us every second of every day, we pile an enormous amount of pressure onto our lives. We do this to ourselves, and it simply is not healthy.

So what can I do?

If you are a control freak, I have a few suggestions. These come from my personal and professional experience. Not all of them are easy, but if you are committed to making a change, this is an excellent place to start.

1. Set your ego aside.

You are great, but so are other people. You have to share the spotlight and let others use their skills. Believe it or not, you are not the best at everything.

2. Delegate to others

Start small. Train people on how to do things if they are unfamiliar. Notice how it feels to trust others to do the work. And enjoy how good it feels to watch them flourish with the extra confidence you have shown in them.

3. Accept that you cannot control everything

Take a break and learn to go with the flow from time to time. Once you see that everything works fine without your intervention, you will feel more comfortable with the idea.

4. Completely give up control in one small area of your life

Make a conscious decision to fully release control in one small area of your life. Maybe let others decide what is for dinner. Maybe go on vacation without planning a single outing. Or simply go for a walk without knowing where you are headed. Whatever you choose, let the circumstances and the people around you take the lead. Bite your tongue, sit back, and relax. You are a passenger. Enjoy the view.

It is worth noting that control is not always a terrible thing. It is wonderful to take charge sometimes, show your leadership skills, and offer a decisive point of view. But there is a point where it goes too far. Check yourself regularly. And if people constantly tell you that you are a control freak, do not dismiss it as an unchangeable character trait. Take proactive steps to share the spotlight and hand the reins to someone else. Everyone, including you, will be better for it.