The Consequences of Punishing Your Partner

When we get angry in a relationship, it actually comes from a place of fear inside us: fear that someone or something is not going according to plan. So we react by trying to regain control of the situation. And one of the most common, and also most damaging, ways to do that is by punishing someone in a relationship.

But here is the problem with doing that: punishment deepens the disconnection and pushes you even further apart. Which, in turn, makes you feel even less in control.

When you start punishing your partner, you risk creating a deep level of injury. There is no love in punishment, only pain and neglect. Being punished in a relationship makes the individual feel even more alone and more misunderstood. And when punishment is used over and over again, there can be a serious breakdown of trust, so that even if you both stay in the relationship, there will be a massive emotional, psychological, and spiritual divide.

The punished partner will put up a wall to protect themselves from more pain. But what is the alternative to punishment in a relationship? How do you express your disappointment and make sure your partner learns from the experience? It all comes down to one key ingredient: pleasure.

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THE JACKPOT

The “jackpot” comes from a study of dolphin life, as well as the relationship between a trainer and their dolphins. The dolphin is a highly social animal, with routines, desires, and complex thoughts of frustration and pleasure. The study shows that a dolphin frustrated by an exercise or by the trainer’s behavior will react negatively and pull away from the training. That is very common in this kind of setting, but the magic does not come from the dolphin’s reaction. It comes from the trainer’s.

If the trainer raises their voice, takes a controlling leader stance, and also gets frustrated while trying to force the animal to do what they are training it to do, the dolphin pulls even further away from the trainer and the exercise, and becomes less and less cooperative.

On the contrary, if the trainer delivers a “jackpot” when they sense the dolphin is getting angry (but before it explodes). In this precise case, the trainer does not hand over a little fish the way they do in a show in front of an audience. They deliver a full bucket of fish of all sizes right in its face. This overwhelms the dolphin with happiness and emotions that override its anger. It takes the dolphin by surprise, and the only reaction it can implement in the moment is to break the pattern of annoyance the training is creating, and it re-centers on the work and accepts performing the new trick. Its happiness pulls it out of its state of sadness and/or depression.

The final step comes when the dolphin starts doing things the way the trainer wants, and they reward it immediately to reinforce the change and the animal’s acceptance. That ensures it will not rebel again on the next attempt.

IMPACT OF THE EXERCISE ON HUMANS

You will tell me: this works with an animal, but how can you compare it to the behavior of a far more complex human? A simple example here would be parents with young children. When the child starts learning to use the toilet, if they have an accident in their pants, are you going to scold them and spank them? Or, on the contrary, are you going to reinforce and recognize the positive behaviors when they manage to go to the bathroom without an accident? In my case, I go one step further: I recognize and reward the attempt. Obviously to a certain degree, and the achievement to another, but it is important to recognize and aim at the positive achievements and attempts instead of focusing on the mistakes and failures.

ANOTHER WAY TO SEE A RELATIONSHIP

Even though the title focuses on couples, this applies to every type of relationship. The “jackpot” is about creating an opening in the relationship. When you open up, even in the hard moments, when you are scared, hurt, and angry, and you choose to say “I love this man or this woman, and I do not want to cause more pain,” that is when you are truly fighting for the relationship.

As you focus on kindness and positive reinforcement instead of punishing someone in a relationship, you also open the path to creating a healthier bond. By approaching your partner with kindness and compassion, you encourage them to do the same for you. This allows you to communicate better with your partner, sharing their problems instead of viewing them from a distance. You will feel and be closer to them.

Kindness is not a fixed trait in a relationship. Think of it more as a muscle, something you have to work on every day so it can develop. And when we treat each other with kindness and compassion, we are essentially training ourselves on how we should treat one another.

KEEPING BALANCE IN THE RELATIONSHIP

Women are very sensitive beings: they feel everything, all the time. And choosing the path of reinforcement does not mean suppressing feelings or emotions when your partner does something that bothers you. In a relationship, both parties should be able to share anything, at any time. The key is to approach it in a beautiful, positive state.

Shifting into a beautiful state means adopting an abundance mindset. When you are in a beautiful state, you are transmitting and receiving with love. Express how you feel without attaching stories or making accusations. And listen with absolute compassion with the sole goal of helping your partner feel understood and cared for. (See this article on empathy for more details)

This not only makes communication easier, but also helps keep masculine and feminine energies in the right balance.

When a feminine woman starts to punish, she becomes masculine. And if the man succumbs, he becomes more feminine, and the polarity disappears. Likewise, if a masculine man punishes a feminine woman, she puts up walls and withdraws, becoming more masculine, and again, the polarity disappears.

It is important to understand that women often put emotion into everything, so they have a deeply detailed memory, because information combined with emotion leaves an indelible mark. Men, on the other hand, do not combine emotion with everything. It is not that they do not care; it is that masculine energy is about breaking through and then letting go. Feminine energy is not about letting go. It is about filling up and gathering. And sometimes talking is simply a way to get that energy out of the system.

So learn to treat each other with kindness, and when you start to punish the other, make the decision to choose reinforcement. Because you always have the choice: punish your partner and create more resistance, disconnection, and polarization, or open up to reinforcement and learn to build an even stronger bond.